Hi, my name is Mitt, what’s your sign?

Mitt Romney described himself as a “severely conservative Republican governor.” In dating terms, he’ll say anything to get politically laid. I didn’t vote for him when he ran of governor of Massachusetts, but his one term in office still left me feeling cheap and used.

If looks could get you elected

Aside from former Sears Catalog menswear models, who relates to Mitt Romney? He may win his party’s presidential nomination, but where will only good looks, a multitude of positions, and spray-on charisma get you – besides a guest appearance on “Mad Men”?

Wanted: Herman Cain supporters, No heavy thinking required

You’re a Republican presidential candidate. What can you say to win over Herman Cain supporters? Here are some suggestions:

• My economic plan spelled backwards is “999.”
• I just flew in from Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan and boy are my arms tired!
• I’ll only say this once: I’ve never gotten jiggy with Kay Bailey Hutchison.

The Chosen are tying to get choosier

Israel’s right-wing government is warning – well, tried to warn — its citizens not to marry Jewish Americans because it will cause them to “lose their national identities.” This is not good news if you’re looking forward to shopping for an engagement ring at Tiffany’s with your hot little Mossad agent. (Believe me, it’s not the same with a CIA analyst who keeps kosher.) Still, it’s important to keep the race clean. (Where have I heard that before?) The last thing Israel needs is another no-goodnick liberal immigrant like Milwaukee’s own (seriously) Golda Meir.

To know Barney Frank is to love, hate, and be unaware of him

Barney Frank calls it quits and the Internet comments once again fall into three categories:

• Fox News: “if all the q u e e r s stepped down there wouldnt be a democrat party…including obama”
• Daily Kos: “Good old Barney Frank! He’s like the fave uncle”
• Yahoo Sports: “Fire Andy Reid!!!”

Political Shorts – 11/19/11

Speaking about President Obama, Rick Perry said, “It reveals to me that he grew up in a privileged way” – in a family that could afford coherent thoughts.

UN bashing is popular among Republican candidates. Why? UN are 2 letters easy to remember

Everyone is starting to go after Newt Gingrich. It looks like Ron Paul is up next.

Talking about the sexual harassment charges against him, Herman Cain said, “As far as I’m concerned, there’s no new information, no new documentation, no new nothing” – aside form a bevy of women still having Herman Cain nightmares.

Herman Cain asked a crowd, “Who knows every detail of every country of every situation on the planet? He then thanked his New Hampshire audience for making his stay in Delaware such a pleasure.

After his last disaster trying to answer a foreign policy question, Herman Cain cancelled an interview with the New Hampshire Union Leader. Apparently, he needed more time to prepare for his Q&A with the My Weekly Reader editorial board.

A Rabbi, a Minister, and a Muslim Go Into a bar

The Early Show profiled three religious leaders and standup comedians: Mr. Loco’s cousin Rabbi Bob Alper, Pastor Susan Sparks, and Azhar Usman. The three-person comedy team finds spiritual power in humor.

Dinner with the Cains

Gloria: Great foreign policy interview. Herman Cain really nailed it on Libya.

Herman: Thank you. Great dinner. Gloria Cain sure knows how to cook a pot roast.

Gloria: Thank you. It’s Gloria Cain’s pleasure to please Herman Cain.

Herman: That’s what Herman Cain likes to hear.

Gloria: By the way, Gloria Cain watched Gloria Allred’s latest press conference, and Gloria Cain can’t believe what they were saying about Herman Cain.

Herman: Herman Cain can’t believe it either. If there’s one thing Gloria Cain should know, Herman Cain is her main man and he’d never treat another woman like that.

Gloria: You don’t have to tell that to Gloria Cain. She knows Herman Cain better than that. By the way, Gloria Cain found another pair of woman’s underwear in Herman Cain’s sport coat. They’re not Gloria Cain’s size so Gloria Cain assumes Herman Cain volunteered to do some poor woman’s laundry.

Herman: That’s Herman Cain’s girl.

Mitt’s girls

There are many reasons why Mitt Romney is polling better with women. Among them:

1. He’s not Herman Cain
2. Ask any Stepford Wife. There’s something about a man who hasn’t aged in 64 years.
3. He’s not Herman Cain
4. When it comes to reproductive rights, Mitt has a position for everyone.
5. He’s not Herman Cain

Bay State Bombast – 11/5/11

Cardinal Bernard Law is celebrating his 80th birthday at the Vatican. If you haven’t bought a gift you can’t go wrong with a recording of “Where the Boys Are.”

Sen. Scott Brown has a new Internet ad that defends his environmental record. It’s called “Trees Are People Too.”

Chelsea Housing director Michael E. McLaughlin was forced to resign after it was revealed he was making $360,000 a year, making him the highest paid non-drug-cartel employee in Chelsea.

It’s been reported that former House speaker Sal DiMasi will be serving his eight-year prison sentence for political corruption in Lexington, Kentucky. He should fit right in. Kentucky is just like Boston’s North End — only with fewer teeth.

NStar president Tom May, who people are blaming for the post-storm extended power outages, makes $7.9 million per year. That comes to about 1 penny per “you rich SOB!”

Mr. Cain-Do

Is it realistic to expect Herman Cain to remember every detail of his fascinating and inspirational life?

Who can remember every sexual harassment case brought against him/her? Most people can’t remember what they had for breakfast. And yet they’re supposed to remember every time someone accused groping a colleague?

So Herman has a problem keeping his story straight. Cut him some slack. It’s not like he forgot about a hit-and-run accident…yet.

Job Creator of the week

Want to create a job and improve the economy? Quit your sucky dead-end job (preferably with a 19-piece band) and let someone else be miserable doing it.

Political Shorts – 10/21/11

U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan burned a box of Bill O’Reilly’s books titled “Pinheads and Patriots” — causing many First Amendment advocates to have second thoughts.

Herman Cain clarified his position on abortion, adding “From now on, please direct all questions to my newly-appointed Director of Clarification.”

Rick Perry’s flat tax plan is a political gamble. It could push him from “out of race” to “never was in the race.”

General Electric’s profit rose 18 percent, causing the company to change its slogan to “GE: We Bring Wealthy Executives to the Hamptons.”

President Obama’s jobs plan was blocked again by Senate Republicans. In related news, the GOP reached a milestone, mentioning “job creators” for the one billionth time.

I’ve forgotten the Alamo and I can’t get up

Last night’s Republican presidential debate in Las Vegas added another chapter to Rick Perry’s “Revenge of the Nerds” nightmare. The debates have been a series of political wedgies for the Texas tough guy.

For every geek who’s ever been stuffed into a locker, it was sheer bliss to watch the bully once again get pummeled by the chess team.

“President Ron Paul” is a terrifying thought. But how cool would it be to see Paul dancing at the Inaugural Ball with the head cheerleader – or better yet — the vice president of the Science Club?

Doling out words of wisdom

Other quotes Scott Brown MAY have plagiarized from Elizabeth Dole:

• Giving birth was the greatest moment of my life.
• I asked Bob, “Do these jeans make my ass look big?”
• Some congressman I’d never heard of named “Weiner” sent me a disgusting email, asking if I wanted to “get nasty.”