Each year on President’s Day we salute our nation’s great chief executives. However, in recent years we have overlooked perhaps our greatest president: Sy Sperling of the Hair Club for Men.
Why, you may ask, should President Sperling be ranked with the likes of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Leslie Nielsen in “Scary Movie 4”? Look at the facts:
- Not one person has ever accused Sy Sperling of being an illegal immigrant from Kenya.
- During Sperling’s administration, the Hair Club for Men has never reported a deficit (that we know about).
- Sy Sperling has always been a loyal friend to Israel as evidenced by the fact that he has never employed Chuck Hagel in any capacity.
- Unlike most presidents who struggle to perform one job, Sy has always exceled at two, as evidenced by his signature line, “I’m not just the president, I’m also a client.”
Yes, founding our nation was not easy, and leading us through a civil was no fun, but let us not forget, founding a hair replacement company in not chopped liver either.
- President Barack Obama delivers the State of the Union Address.
- Florida Sen. Marco Rubio delivers the Republican response to the State of the Union Address.
- Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul delivers the tea party response to the Republican response to the State of the Union Address.
- A crazed wingnut located somewhere in a concrete bunker in Idaho delivers the survivalist response to the tea party response to the Republican response to the State of the Union Address.
- A gorilla with a sign language vocabulary of over 1000 words delivers the primate response to the survivalist response to the tea party response to the Republican response to the State of the Union Address by signing, “I’m speechless.”
Both presidential candidates attended last night’s Alfred E. Smith Dinner, the Catholic Archdiocese of New York’s annual charity benefit. It was a formal event; the men wore tuxedos and the women wore evening binders.
Chubby Checker, singer of “The Twist,” led a Florida group of more than 4,000 participants in the song’s signature dance to break the world record. Then the group attempted to set another record for the most people attempting to revive 71-year-old Chubby.
A Massachusetts man won the $30 million lottery after being dumped by his girlfriend. I believe this is the same girlfriend who once told Mark Zuckerberg, “Buzz off, nerd boy!”
Mitt Romney’s “Binders of Women” should not be confused with Bill Clinton’s Buckets of Babes.
Shortly after Billy Graham endorsed Mitt Romney, his Billy Graham Evangelistic Association removed language labeling Mormonism a “cult” from its website. They also announced that if they ever endorse a Jewish candidate, they’ll also remove language claiming Jews control the world banking system.
Scott Brown’s campaign has created a group called “Obama Supporters for Brown” and manned it with paid (at $8 and hour) homeless people. However, when winter arrives, one lucky member will be allowed to sleep underneath Brown’s truck.
Fat cat Marc Leder, who hosted Mitt Romney’s infamous “47 percent” dinner, will be hosting another fundraiser on Saturday night. Asked about the chances of another screw-up happening again, Leder said, “Probably 53-47.”
It’s been reported that in a June conference call hosted by the National Federation of Independent Businesses, Mitt Romney encouraged business owners to tell their employees which candidate they should vote for. I always get the feeling there are two Mitt Romneys: the greedy capitalist and the one who pretends not to be a greedy capitalist.
Last night’s presidential debate returned the focus to fundamentals: mudslinging, false accusations, and name calling.
It’s no wonder President Obama did much better in the second debate; he had plenty of time to rest up during the first debate.
Mitt Romney’s “Binders full of women” comment tells us two things about how he feels about women: he likes them alphabetized and collated.
Jill Stein and Cheri Honkala, the Green Party candidates for president and vice president, were arrested at the debate site at Hofstra University. This answered that age-old question about third (or in this case, fourth or fifth) party candidates: “What do I have to do to get arrested in this election?”
Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. He said, “There’s just something about a stinking rich guy trying to buy an election that gives me goose bumps.”
Arthur Allen, CEO of ASG Software Solutions, sent his employees an email, suggesting that they vote for Mitt Romney, adding that their jobs may be at stake if they don’t. In addition, all employees are now required to attend the company’s “Brown-nosers for Romney” All-Hands-AND-NOSES meeting.
Romney has changed his position so many times about his own Romneycare he’s actually developed Romney Finger. That’s when you get tendonitis from continually sticking it in the air to see which way the wind is blowing.
A big question tonight will be whether Mitt Romney says he loves or hates his own Romneycare. I think he’ll try to strike a middle ground and say they’re just friends…maybe friends with benefits like banning pre-existing conditions.
A big question tonight will be whether Mitt Romney says he loves or hates his own Romneycare. I think he’ll split the difference and say the government should give everyone lessons in how to remove their own appendix.
I hope Romney doesn’t drink as much water as Ryan did at his debate. At his age, he’ll spend most of the debate in the bathroom.
I think we’ll know immediately if the president was influenced by Joe Biden’s debate performance last week if, during his opening statement, he gives Mitt Romney the finger.
President Obama’s debate preparation is paying off already. Last night he won an argument over whether Malia should eat her vegetables.
CNN headline: “Obama expected to ‘come out swinging’ at Tuesday’s debate.” Romney immediately accuses him of wife swapping.”
Daredevil Felix Baumgartner lands safely after 24-mile fall from near space. It’s the fastest anything has plummeted since A-Rod’s batting average.
Daredevil Felix Baumgartner lands safely after 24-mile fall from near space. His biggest challenge? Being a daredevil named Felix Baumgartner.
During a performance, Madonna stripped down to show support for the Pakistani girl shot by Taliban…raising the question: is there anything Madonna won’t strip down for?
Elizabeth Warren is catching up to Scott Brown in the polls. Brown needs to do what he does best: double down on the regular guy stuff. He has to make it clear to voters that:
- His wife is always bugging him to leave the toilet seat down.
- He’s been promising to paint the garage for years.
- He looks at porn on the Internet.
- He always wears a baseball cap at the dinner table.
- When he’s in his pickup truck he never asks for directions
Senate President Harry Reid has been declared a “dirty liar” by Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, just because Harry won’t say who told him Mitt Romney hasn’t paid any taxes in the last 10 years.
Apparently, calling an opponent a dirty liar is the new political etiquette. It works like this:
- It’s acceptable to call an opponent a “dirty liar.”
- It’s acceptable to call an opponent a “dirty rotten liar” if you feel you haven’t gotten your point across to the media by calling them a “dirty liar.”
- It’s acceptable to call an opponent a “dirty rotten stinking liar” but only if Bill O’Reilly hasn’t used the phrase more than eight times within the last 24 hours.
A priest, a minister, a rabbi, and Mitt Romney go into a bar. The priest orders a beer. The minister orders a glass of wine. The rabbi orders a cocktail. Mitt Romney says to the bartender, “There are a few things that are disconcerting about this bar, the stories about the private maintenance firm not having enough people to properly clean your glasses and sweep your floors, that obviously is not something which is encouraging.”
Bill Bradley has called for higher taxes on “a lot of people.” This should make calculating your taxes lot easier.
Colorado State GOP Sen. Kevin Grantham thinks a ban on construction of new mosques is a good idea. The last thing you want to do is drag down the property value of the state’s fine tattoo and massage parlors.
John Boehner says “the American people probably aren’t going to fall in love with Mitt Romney.” The added, “I keep telling him you’ve got to start hitting the tanning bed.”
Maine Gov. Paul LePage says Obamacare is turning the IRS into the “the new Gestapo”…thus continuing LePage’s blitzkrieg of blathering buffoonery.
Things have come to a pretty pass,
My campaign is growing flat,
For I like this and the other
While I go for this and that.
Goodness knows what the end will be,
Oh, I don’t know where I’m at…
It looks as if I two will never be one,
Something must be done.
I say pro choice and I say pro life,
I say penalty and I say tax,
Pro choice, pro life, penalty, tax,
Let’s call the whole thing off!
Mitt Romney raised $100 million in June. How do you spend that much? How about:
- Create, fund, and operate the 24-hour Obama Sucks cable channel.
- Pay Dr. Phil a small fortune to teach him how to become the kind of guy people like to have a beer with.
- Diversify. Adopt a few kids who don’t look like they belong to the Lost Tribe of Pat Boone.
- Find a cure for rich white guy smell.
- Build a $50 million luxury home for his dog on the roof of his car. (It still may not be enough.)