Ben Alper's All Politics Is Loco

“1-2-3 Who are we consulting for?”

Ben Alper — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 01:16:50 +0000

There’s no evidence that Mitt Romney participated in 1960’s counter culture or protests of any kind, political or otherwise. It’s a shame. Every young person needs to rebel now and then. Here are some protest songs that would’ve allowed Mitt Romney to express his inner Abbie Hoffman:

If I Had a Hammer I’d Hammer Up An Eviction Notice
This Land is My Land, This Land is My Land
Abraham, Martin, John, Goldman, and Sachs
Say It Loud – My Ledger is in the Black and I’m Proud
Where Have All the Tax Shelters Gone
Give Peace a Chance (and if That Doesn’t Work Call My Attorney)
Born in the USA (but Currently Residing in the Cayman Islands)
We Shall Overcome (But We Shall Never Overpay)
Currencies They Are Ex-Changin’

What a difference an improving economy makes

Ben Alper — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 15:54:21 +0000

President Obama must feel like the woman who’s lost 25 pounds and finds herself being courted by guys who previously didn’t want to be seen with her. It’s amazing how attractive he looks to Democratic politicians after shedding a few unemployment percentage points.

Senator FightingToGetReElected: Hi Mr. President. Remember me? I’d be honored if you accompanied me to a fundraiser in my district. Yes, I did tell you after the 2010 elections that we couldn’t be seen together, but you know how I like to kid.

President Obama: Oh Senator, I’d love to attend your fundraiser. Who knows what wild things I might do if you endorse my Health Plan.

Senator FightingToGetReElected: I can’t believe I never noticed your hot employment figures.

Our man in Belmont

Ben Alper — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 11:37:06 +0000

Oh wow! Mitt Romney, a man who may be our next president, voted in the Massachusetts Primary at the Beech St Center, right near where I live in Belmont. Of course, this is only one of his home towns. But it was here, half way through his one and only term as governor, Romney decided to run (the first time) for president and spend the rest of his career deriding liberal Massachusetts. Can he really win? I’ll tell you when I see my first “Romney for President” sign in Belmont.

Hi, my name is Mitt, what’s your sign?

Ben Alper — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 17:04:25 +0000

Mitt Romney described himself as a “severely conservative Republican governor.” In dating terms, he’ll say anything to get politically laid. I didn’t vote for him when he ran of governor of Massachusetts, but his one term in office still left me feeling cheap and used.

If looks could get you elected

Ben Alper — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 16:42:43 +0000

Aside from former Sears Catalog menswear models, who relates to Mitt Romney? He may win his party’s presidential nomination, but where will only good looks, a multitude of positions, and spray-on charisma get you – besides a guest appearance on “Mad Men”?

Wanted: Herman Cain supporters, No heavy thinking required

Ben Alper — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:43:20 +0000

You’re a Republican presidential candidate. What can you say to win over Herman Cain supporters? Here are some suggestions:

My economic plan spelled backwards is “999.”
I just flew in from Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan and boy are my arms tired!
I’ll only say this once: I’ve never gotten jiggy with Kay Bailey Hutchison.

The Chosen are tying to get choosier

Ben Alper — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 01:21:26 +0000

Israel’s right-wing government is warning – well, tried to warn — its citizens not to marry Jewish Americans because it will cause them to “lose their national identities.” This is not good news if you’re looking forward to shopping for an engagement ring at Tiffany’s with your hot little Mossad agent. (Believe me, it’s not the same with a CIA analyst who keeps kosher.) Still, it’s important to keep the race clean. (Where have I heard that before?) The last thing Israel needs is another no-goodnick liberal immigrant like Milwaukee’s own (seriously) Golda Meir.

To know Barney Frank is to love, hate, and be unaware of him

Ben Alper — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 20:48:39 +0000

Barney Frank calls it quits and the Internet comments once again fall into three categories:

Fox News: “if all the q u e e r s stepped down there wouldnt be a democrat party…including obama”
Daily Kos: “Good old Barney Frank! He’s like the fave uncle”
Yahoo Sports: “Fire Andy Reid!!!”

Political Shorts – 11/19/11

Ben Alper — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 16:06:11 +0000

Speaking about President Obama, Rick Perry said, “It reveals to me that he grew up in a privileged way” – in a family that could afford coherent thoughts.

UN bashing is popular among Republican candidates. Why? UN are 2 letters easy to remember

Everyone is starting to go after Newt Gingrich. It looks like Ron Paul is up next.

Talking about the sexual harassment charges against him, Herman Cain said, “As far as I’m concerned, there’s no new information, no new documentation, no new nothing” – aside form a bevy of women still having Herman Cain nightmares.

Herman Cain asked a crowd, “Who knows every detail of every country of every situation on the planet? He then thanked his New Hampshire audience for making his stay in Delaware such a pleasure.

After his last disaster trying to answer a foreign policy question, Herman Cain cancelled an interview with the New Hampshire Union Leader. Apparently, he needed more time to prepare for his Q&A with the My Weekly Reader editorial board.

A Rabbi, a Minister, and a Muslim Go Into a bar

Ben Alper — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 01:15:34 +0000

The Early Show profiled three religious leaders and standup comedians: Mr. Loco’s cousin Rabbi Bob Alper, Pastor Susan Sparks, and Azhar Usman. The three-person comedy team finds spiritual power in humor.