U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan burned a box of Bill O’Reilly’s books titled “Pinheads and Patriots” — causing many First Amendment advocates to have second thoughts.
Herman Cain clarified his position on abortion, adding “From now on, please direct all questions to my newly-appointed Director of Clarification.”
Rick Perry’s flat tax plan is a political gamble. It could push him from “out of race” to “never was in the race.”
General Electric’s profit rose 18 percent, causing the company to change its slogan to “GE: We Bring Wealthy Executives to the Hamptons.”
President Obama’s jobs plan was blocked again by Senate Republicans. In related news, the GOP reached a milestone, mentioning “job creators” for the one billionth time.
Last night’s Republican presidential debate in Las Vegas added another chapter to Rick Perry’s “Revenge of the Nerds” nightmare. The debates have been a series of political wedgies for the Texas tough guy.
For every geek who’s ever been stuffed into a locker, it was sheer bliss to watch the bully once again get pummeled by the chess team.
“President Ron Paul” is a terrifying thought. But how cool would it be to see Paul dancing at the Inaugural Ball with the head cheerleader – or better yet — the vice president of the Science Club?
Other quotes Scott Brown MAY have plagiarized from Elizabeth Dole:
- Giving birth was the greatest moment of my life.
- I asked Bob, “Do these jeans make my ass look big?”
- Some congressman I’d never heard of named “Weiner” sent me a disgusting email, asking if I wanted to “get nasty.”
Rich people no longer exist according to Republicans. Now they are “job creators.” The GOP may be on to something. Think about it:
- Hey, I just won the lottery. I’m a job creator!
- He: Hi there sweetheart. Can I buy you a drink?
She: It depends. Are you a job creator?
- Unfortunately, it took Bob a long time to realize that being a job creator couldn’t buy him happiness.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry told an audience at Liberty University that he wanted to be a veterinarian, but gave up after the dean of the veterinary school told him he wasn’t smart enough. Read more about this and other inspirational stories in Perry’s new book, “Yes I Can’t.”
So what will Joe McGiness’ soon-to-be-released tell-all book about Sarah Palin teach us? Certainly not that she:
- Read Moby Dick cover to cover
- Snorted cocaine off a 55-year-old Democrat
- Enrolled her family in the Condom-of-the-Month Club
Texas Gov. Rick Perry
In last night’s debate, Texas Gov. Rick Perry said he never “struggled” with the fact his state may occasionally execute an innocent man or two. When you think about it, it may be his state’s most effective way to lower the number of uninsured Texans.
In a speech yesterday, Michelle Bachmann asked “Why is there a Department of Education?” For the same reason there isn’t a Department of Cluelessness.
Teamster president Jimmy Hoffa, warming up the crowd before President Obama’s speech in Detroit, said referring to the Tea Party: Democrats should “take these sons of bitches out.” A Tea Party spokesman immediately replied: “Keep our families out of this.”
Mitt Romney unveiled his new economic plan. He added, “And I’m almost positive I was never against it.”
The U.S. Postal Service is so low on cash it may have to shut down this winter. If this upsets you, email this joke to ten friends.
It was revealed that a sperm donor has fathered 150 children. Women weren’t interested in his services until he started marketing his product as “I Can’t Believe It’s Not John Edwards.”
Rep. Michelle Bachmann says as president she’d consider drilling for oil and natural gas in Florida’s Everglades. Why stop there? Think of other great energy sources that environmental extremists are preventing us from tapping:
Mount Rushmore – Who knows how much oil Mobil Exxon could find simply by picking Thomas Jefferson’s nose?
Bunker Hill – It’s about time we clear the top that sucker and find out how much coal is in there.
Betsy Ross House – The fine folks from Halibrton would be more than happy to convert it to a nuclear power plant – in exchange, of course, for a no-bid government contract.
The nerve! President Obama vacationing on fancy-schmancy Martha’s Vineyard while the economy is in the dumps. Imagine the wonderful time he’s having while repo men are towing away Delaware to China:
President’s aide: Mr. President, we’ve just received word that Standard and Poor’s has downgraded our country’s credit rating to single Z.
President Obama: That can’t be good. Hey, has anybody seen my badminton racket?
***
President’s aide: Mr. President, the national unemployment rate has just surpassed your disapproval rate.
President Obama: Shhhhhh. Bill Ayers is putting.
***
President’s aide: Mr. President, Massachusetts can no longer afford to provide free health care to unemployed Al-Qaeda suicide bombers.
President Obama: I feel their pain. Now try this lobster roll. It’s delicious!
We didn’t take them seriously at first, and now they’ve successfully mucked up the system. Is it time to throw in the towel? Should we finally accept the fact that wrestling is real? Maybe Barack Hussein Obama was, in fact, the result of a tawdry tryst at the Nairobi Days Inn? Admit it, you’ve thought about strapping on a firearm and heading down to Rick Perry’s Prayer Party.
When you think about it, is there any advantage to being smarter than a 5th grader?
Recite these words: All I really need to know I learned on Fox News.
The Rupert Murdoch Tabloids ‘R Us Empire continues to take one hit after another. It’s not the greatest time to be in the sleazy journalism business. One can only wonder what Boston Herald Editor-in-Chief Joe Sciacca is doing to rally his troops:
“Damn the fact checkers and full speed ahead! A free Wingo ticket to the first reporter who brings me proof that Whitey Bulger and Governor Patrick once shared a summer rental in Provincetown.”
Two top aides have resigned from former Godfather Pizza CEO Herman Cain’s presidential campaign. This raises three questions:
- Herman Cain had two people working for him?
- Can a total neophyte win an election by offering free bread sticks with each vote?
- Isn’t it about time we had a president who can bring together sausage, pepperoni, and mushroom lovers?
Possible captions:
- That better not be Sharon from Sheboygan!
- Can’t I at least keep my Penises on Parade Montage?
- It’s Schwarzenegger. “Right back at you Bro.”
John McGee, a four-term Republican state senator from Idaho, was arrested on charges of grand theft and DUI after he allegedly left a golf club drunk and drove away in Ford Excursion pulling a 20-foot travel trailer. McGee, whose blood alcohol level was .15, was unable to even crawl a straight line.
McGee, who is also chairman of the Regional Substance Abuse Authority Legislative Committee, said it could’ve been worse. “I could have killed someone had I been sending a dirty text message while driving.”
Politics | Ben Alper | 
October 21, 2011 8:50 am | 
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