Who ever thought Bristol would be the “good” Palin?

So what will Joe McGiness’ soon-to-be-released tell-all book about Sarah Palin teach us? Certainly not that she:

• Read Moby Dick cover to cover
• Snorted cocaine off a 55-year-old Democrat
• Enrolled her family in the Condom-of-the-Month Club

One if by Land, Two if by Sea, Uh, Three to get ready

Listen, my children, and you shall hear

A politician as smart as a horse’s rear.

At last, the “You’ve got to be dreaming” team

Sarah Palin and Donald Trump had a brief meeting at Trump’s Manhattan penthouse. How did it go? Probably like this:

Palin: You are a great American, Mr. Trump.

Trump: Sarah, you are one hot babe.

(Pause)

Palin: I think I’ve said everything.

Trump: Me too. Enjoy your stay in New York.

Political Shorts – 3/23/11

Detroit’s population has dropped by 25 percent over the last decade. In a desperate move, the city council voted to make every road leading into town one way.

Thirteen illegal immigrants wearing U.S. Marine uniforms were arrested in San Diego. Police caught them marching across the border.

Police in Egypt protested outside the Interior Ministry building for higher pay as the building raged on fire – or as they call that in Wisconsin: Tuesday.

Sarah Palin has been visiting Israel. She said she hasn’t been this close to ancient ruins since she campaigned with John McCain.

HBO has optioned Dick Cheney’s book, “Game Change,” for a TV miniseries. A spokesman for HBO said, “We’re thinking a less warm and fuzzy Hannibal Lector.”

CNN is sending a team of 400 reporters, cameramen and crew to England to cover the Royal wedding. Five correspondents alone will be embedded in the bachelor party cake.

Battle Hymn of the RePalin

(Courtesy of Wonkette) We may be witnessing the first traces of Palin Fatigue, but the mention of her name still sends her fans into a state of jiggyness.

“And journalists control the world banking system”

In her latest edition of “Sarah Speaks First, Thinks Later,” she accuses journalists and pundits of “blood libel.” (If the sound of fingernails being dragged across a blackboard bother you, the money shot is at 3:30 in the video below).

Here’s the problem with shooting from the hip: The brain is located in the head.

Sarah Palin: “America’s Enduring Strength” from Sarah Palin on Vimeo.

Political Shorts – 1/11/11

New York Republican Rep. Peter King said he’ll introduce legislation to ban the carrying of any firearm within 1,000 feet of “high-profile government officials” — more specifically within 1,000 feet of New York Republican Rep. Peter King.

Former U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was sentenced to three years in jail for money laundering. A disappointed Delay said, “This is almost as bad as getting voted off “Dancing with the Stars.”

Mitt Romney is on a Middle East fact-finding tour. After meeting with regional leaders, he gushed, “I love these guys! I should’ve brought my wives!”

Sarah Palin’s TV show was cancelled. The saddened Mama Grizzly said, “Obviously I’m upset, but this isn’t the time to threaten to shoot somebody.”

U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann is organizing a series of constitutional discussions for members of Congress. In fact, it will be her first discussion that won’t end with the burning of a document.

“Todd, make them stop suffering!”

Sarah Palin plans to visit Haiti to aid humanitarian efforts and scout locations for her next reality show, “Sarah Palin’s Least Favorite Caribbean Getaways.”

Here are predictions for her trip’s top quotes:

• Which one of these tank tops goes best with feeding the hungry?
• Where can Todd rent a jet ski?
• How do you say “turn that frown upside down” in Creole?
• I’d like to introduce Bristol’s new fiancée, Jean Baptiste.
• When I get back to the United States, I’m going to friend you all on Facebook.

Half baked Alaskan

Sarah Palin told Barbara Walters that she could beat Barack Obama in 2012. Here are five possible future headlines that indicate it might not be such a good idea:

• President Palin delivers her State of the Union Facebook post
• Secretary of State Todd Palin makes final attempt to broker Middle East peace settlement
• Secretary of State Todd Palin discovers on Wikipedia that Spain is not part of the Middle East
• President Palin appoints Olympic snowboarder Shaun White to the Supreme Court
• Bristol Palin to host “Meet the Press” after FCC threatens revoke NBC’s license

Political Shorts – 11/11/10

Sarah Palin described President Obama as “the most pro-abortion president to occupy the White House.” She obviously is not familiar with President James K. “Choice-meister” Polk.

Former President George W. Bush’s memoir sold 220,000 copies on the first day – pretty good for a book that contains no evidence of Waldo or weapons of mass destruction.

Some Democrats are now saying Nancy Pelosi should step aside as their party’s leader. At last, it’s time for Barney “The Uniter” Frank to step forward!

According to a new AP-GfK poll, most people are against repealing the new Healthcare bill. However, one Republican leader responded, “Wait until they hear about our Free Leech Plan.”

An Indonesian author has written a 5,472-page book about President Obama called “The Collection, Obama and Pluralism.” How detailed is it? One chapter is titled “Puberty, Day 17.”

Desperate Housewife of Wasilla

Variety reports that Sarah Palin will have her own reality show on the Discovery Channel called “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” Essentially, it’s for people who find “Jersey Shore” too cerebral.

Stories covered will include:

• Helping out a neighbor after his meth lab burns down
• Negotiating a six-figure appearance fee for speaking at the local PTA
• Donating Fox News t-shirts to needy Eskimos
• Boning up on foreign policy by memorizing the International House of Pancakes menu.
• Supervising the removal of Todd’s “Alaskan Independence Party” tattoo.